Wednesday, April 13, 2011

And I wonder...

Death is such an unusual thing. For some people, it arrives knowingly. A sickness has overcome them and they know that some day their body is just going to give out. For others, it comes out of nowhere. It just occurs on a day that you perceive to be normal, just like every other day you have lived. You just have no idea when it is finally going to come for you, and that scares the crap out of me. I am not saying that I want to know when I am going to die, or when those I love are going to die, but as I get older, it scares me more and more. I think about it more and more. The worst times are late at night when I am the only one awake. It is dark and quiet and my mind just runs with the idea of it. These thoughts usually freak me out, but then the next day arrives and the light makes me feel safe and secure. My days go on as normal.

I wonder if that is how Justin felt? Did he ever think about death? Did he wonder when it was going to come, and then when daybreak hit, did he feel safe again and forget all about it? Did he have any sort of premonition for what was to occur on Monday?

What I do know is that I felt his presence tonight. Tonight during the candlelight vigil, which was one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed, there was a moment of silence in his honor. During this time, the wind strengthened and cooled. It lasted the entire 30 seconds of silence. Once the talking began again, the wind lightened up and it wasn't as cool. I know that was him. I know that was his way to tell us that he appreciated us all being there for him. You could just feel it. There was no question about it.

The funeral is Friday and I am not going to make it. I just know it is going to be almost impossible to get it off of work with so many teachers being gone already for the funeral or for school activities. It just really sucks because I wish I could be there to witness it. Not only because I admired the guy, but because I, to some extent, desire the emotion that comes with funerals. I sometimes feel dead inside because when I hear about someone dying, it doesn't seem to really phase me. It just doesn't seem real. Maybe it is because the last few deaths in my life haven't been people that I am really close to and see on a regular basis. Maybe it is that it just never really hits me that this is reality. I don't know, but what I do know is that what has hurt me the most in this entire situation is seeing my dad so sad. Justin's death is very sad to me because he was a great guy, but seeing my dad so torn up is what really gets to me. I know that he was like another son to him, and I feel for his pain. I feel for his pain and I feel for everyone else's pain. That's what hurts the most for me. And, I think that's where the emotion finally comes into play for me: at the funeral. Everyone is extremely upset, and you can't help but to cry for their pain.

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